Peeing In A Cup
After I was diagnosed, there were many situations that lended ground for harsh judgment from strangers. Like the time we were driving through Arizona on our cross country journey seeking specialized treatment and there were no bathrooms for miles, but I had to pee... bad. I’m not talking about how strong the urge was. I’m talking I was on the strongest steroid a doctor could prescribe and I needed to protect my kidneys from a deadly infection. So naturally… I grabbed a cup from our car trash bag, pulled down my pants in the passenger’s seat of our SUV in front of my entire family while we drove at 80 MPH (just as an 18-wheeler passed us) and urinated. Desperate times, ladies.
Or the day I was so desperate to breathe fresh air & feel some sense of normalcy after being mostly bed-ridden for weeks that I joined my sweet husband and girls for their weekly trip to Costco… with world’s greasiest hair and no bra. For some women, going to the store without a bra is no big deal. But for me, it’s a big deal. The girls had a blast with their newfound freedom (& I’m not talking about my kids).
Both of these situations ended with me speaking harsh words to myself and a few stank eyes from strangers. It was easy for strangers to assume I was a dirty hippy or a poor role model for my daughters. But the truth behind these stories is this: I was a mom with stage 4 cancer doing the best I could.
When I picked up that cup & humbly peed in front of my family, I was doing my best. That may be hard for the poor driver I violated to believe (if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry) but it’s true. If we’re being honest, it would be natural for him to assume that I was an immature prankster trying to moon him. It would be unnatural for him to consider I may have cancer and that urinating could mean life or death.
And because of how the cancer progressed in my body, I needed a surgical tube placed between my ribs and out of my side which made it uncomfortable and dangerous for me to shower. Showers had to be perfectly timed so that a nurse could drain the tube, clean the area with sterile tools and bandage it immediately after showering & the stars just weren’t aligning for a shower the week of my Costco debut.
The old me would’ve been overcome with shame and fear about what people assumed of me in these situations, but I’ve learned a secret weapon for replacing anxiety and fear with joy. Can I share it with you? When I’m kinder in my thinking with others, I notice I’m kinder with myself- the way I talk to myself & the stories I believe about myself.
I know replacing anxiety and fear with joy can feel like trying to push a boulder uphill while your kids are biting at your ankles, so here’s a little game we play in our family that makes our ability to swap our heaviness with joy a bit easier (& much more fun): When we notice our minds beginning to harshly judge a situation we truly know nada about, we make up a kinder, softer story.
For example, when a man cuts us off on the highway & nearly makes us crash, we make up a story about his wife needing to get to the hospital STAT to deliver their baby. Or when an elderly woman at the store turns up her nose at my smile, I tell myself she’s just lost her husband. Or when a little girl at the park doesn’t want to play with my daughter and she runs to me broken-hearted, we tell a story about how the girl is too shy to play with new friends.
Sweet friend, can we make a pact that the next time life grants us the pleasure of seeing a woman in Costco without a bra or a mom peeing in a cup in the front seat of her SUV we’ll stop the unkind judgement as soon as we notice it and make up a kinder story than the one we’re (probably) assuming? I promise it’ll help us be a bit kinder to ourselves and others.
Here’s to rewriting grace-filled stories about the strangers we encounter. Here’s to a kinder story about the dirty hippy in Costco or the ratchet mom peeing in her car. Here’s to a kinder thought pattern that makes the hard road we’re all walking a little less scary. And here’s to swapping anxiety with joy as we lend grace and kindness to ourselves and others