Finding Your Friends In The Dark
As I crawled into bed that morning at 5:30 AM, I noticed my sheets were warm. They’d been kept warm by an irreplaceable friend who came over at 12:30 AM when I called her in tears about the pain I was having. She woke up to my phone call, left her husband & two small children to come and sleep in my bed alone, with the possibility of my two small children waking her up again just a few hours later so that my husband and I could go to the ER. This was not the first time I had asked my sweet friend for help, but it was the first time I’d asked her to do anything of this capacity. This was also the first of many lessons I’d learn about how important friendship with true, deep intimacy is.
Motherhood taught me I needed friends. Real friends who didn’t have it all together. I knew as soon as I gave birth to my first seven pound ball of screaming flesh, it was a storm I couldn’t face alone. And by God's grace, Ashley became a sister friend just three months after we both became moms. She was the friend that watched my kids when I had an appointment, brought her crew to play with my crew so we could indulge in adult conversation on the days we just couldn’t sing one more note of Let It Go, and the one who convinced me to enroll my oldest in preschool with her oldest when I was too unsure about preschool all together.
When we first began our friendship, we were both in over our heads as new moms but too lonely to let our new normal hold us back from starting what we knew was a necessary friendship. We met at an indoor soccer game in which both of our husbands were playing and to be honest, our friendship was scary at first. It took effort from both sides. There were times I worried about being overbearing or accidentally revealing how desperate I was for friendship or feared she wasn’t enjoying my company as much as I was enjoying hers or that my loud and sometimes unruly children would scare her and her sweet babies away. But, it turns out that when you find a sister friend none of these fears actually matter. In fact, they’re simply lies from the enemy who wants to isolate us.
Turns out, the pain I was having that night was full-blown stage four cancer. And while that was the beginning of a very dark and scary journey, it was also, unbeknownst to me, an amazing opportunity to grow a deeper, more intimate relationship with Ashley.
In this cancer season, my need for a sister friend has been completely exposed. I didn’t realize how desperate I would be to hear her pray beautiful prayers of healing over me. I didn’t realize how healing it would be for her to show up unannounced at my house and sob with me. I didn’t realize how loved I would feel when she drove all around our city and begged small business owners to participate in the fundraiser she was hosting for me.
Words can’t express how grateful I am for this friend. And while I pray that my writing would celebrate and honor her, I pray simultaneously it would encourage you, sweet mama, to ensure you have an Ashley in your life. Prior to meeting Ashley, I worried about not having enough friends or not being popular enough, but after meeting Ashley, I’ve learned, while she may be just one good friend, she’s more than good enough.
If you don’t have an Ashley in your life, can I encourage you to do two things? First pray that God would bring you a sister friend. And second, when you get the chance to spend time with a new friend, get vulnerable with her. This may look like being willing to ask questions about her and to say “me too” if she shares a common struggle. It may look like being willing to share your struggles instead of offering advice about hers. It may look like shutting out the lie that you’re not worthy of friends or not succumbing to your natural tendency to shy away from people because relationships are just too hard and awkward. It may even look like ending the complaining about how lonely you are & instead taking action.
Here’s to the friend who is always willing to warm the sheets to you being a brave friend seeker, knowing you are worthy of friends. You are brave & strong & lovable and you have the power to find your tribe who will change the game for you in this season and the seasons to come