When You're Not Doing It Right

A few days after I was given a stage four cancer diagnosis, I white knuckled the truths I knew about God and clung to his people who reminded me of his character. And as a result I was overcome with his holy peace. He sang words of encouragement over me. Words of kindness and grace. Words that reminded me I wasn’t alone and words that provided joy, even when I was terrified. He nudged me that he was going to use this time for His glory and he was gracious enough to give me a heart that desired for him to get the glory. But, if I’m being honest, at the end of the day, when left to my own flesh and desires, I wanted life to be easy. I wanted to be well and I wanted to feel safe and secure. At the time I didn’t know it, but he had so much more for me than an easy life. His love for me wouldn’t stop at a safe and secure life.

I didn’t see this until I was past the halfway mark in my cancer journey, but now that I’m here- healed and noticing all of the details he was in that were for my good and his glory, I’m humbled by his kindness and care for us. I’m at a place in my life in which I just want to shout his glory from the rooftops. I want to tell everyone I know about who he is and that he’s available to everyone. I can’t help but sing of his goodness in my life. I want to throw stories of his glory around like confetti for all the world to see. And sometimes I do- it can be a bit much for people who haven’t experienced his glory. But you know what else can be a bit much? My desire to take just a bit of his glory for myself. Yikes, did I say that aloud?

At times my fleshly desire to steal just a bit of God’s glory keeps me from wanting to share about it at all because I feel too guilty. I don’t feel worthy enough to share about his glory because I’m too broken, too messed up to be worthy of sharing about his glory. And to be clear, I don’t want to steal all of His glory for myself; I’m not tempted to claim something audacious like self-healing, but there are moments I’m tempted to steal just a taste of his glory because it feels safe and good and well earned, just like I thought a healthy and happy life was. For example, when God miraculously healed me after two years of fighting cancer, I posted on social media to share of his goodness- so that He could receive all the glory. Truly, that was my heart’s desire. But after posting I found myself checking the amount of likes the post had every hour because it was tempting to read nuggets from people who were singing my praises. Did I say that aloud too?

But here’s the thing… Even if I had no desire to keep a bit of glory for myself, I’d mess up giving God glory perfectly because I’m broken. We are broken. We have good intentions to give God the glory. But we mess it up. Whether it’s through trying to keep some of the glory, not sharing what he’s done exactly as he told us to, trying to be the hero of our own story, and on and on. Even when we have the best of intentions we can mess up the good we’re trying to do. But here’s what I’ve come to learn about God’s glory: We can’t steal it. We aren’t big enough to steal it. We may mess it up- intentionally or unintentionally. We may sin while genuinely wanting him to receive all the glory, but even in that nasty sin, he’ll still come out on top. He’ll still make his name known. He’ll still be the one to save the world. And he’ll still get the glory.

So my sweet sister, take a deep breath. Share what he’s done in your life. Share it with intentions to glorify him and turn over the thoughts in your head that are against him to him. He’s glorious enough to handle even those. Hand over the parts that want the glory. Ask him to change your thoughts and heart. And then breathe a sigh of relief as we remember these truths: We are sinners and our hearts naturally bend towards getting the glory for what has happened in our lives. But God is so glorious that even when we mess up giving him all of the glory he is due, he still gets the glory (mind blown). He uses our sinful hearts and he forgives us for wanting to keep the glory for ourselves. He doesn’t shame us for not giving him glory perfectly because he knows we are living in the in between- living with hearts that like sin but love him. He wastes nothing. Not even the wicked sinner’s poor attempt to give Him all the glory.

Next time we’re tempted to not even try to give him glory because we feel unworthy to talk about Him, do it anyway. Next time we’re tempted to believe we should be able to do something perfectly, without a trace of sin, let’s remember that we’re not in Eden anymore, but perfection is coming. Next time we’re tempted to steal just a bit of his glory, let’s fight it. Next time we find ourselves believing the lie that because we have a desire to keep some of his glory for ourselves, let’s battle that with truth (“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” Romans 7:15 ) Because although it’ll be imperfect he’ll use it all and we’ll give him the glory.