What I’m Afraid of for 2021
I know this may sound like blasphemy, but I’m going to say it anyway… It’s ok if you declare 2020 a decent year. It’s also ok if you classify 2020 as the best or worst year ever. It wasn’t a great year for us but it also wasn’t completely worthless. 2020 was the year I was declared cancer free. It was also the year filled with more cancer treatment than I ever knew one person could handle. It brought us our very first home but it also came with the notorious transplant. It provided space for sweet milestones for our girls and also space for our hearts breaking more than we thought possible.
As I reflect on this past year, a lot of emotions come up for me. As a natural pessimist (believe it or not), I’m more often than not reminded of the bad memories associated with 2020 than the good ones when I reflect on the year. I also tend to be idealistic (yes you can be both) which means I’m finding myself labeling 2020 as the worst year ever and expecting 2021 to be ‘the year.’ And while I believe in being honest with ourselves and others no matter how good the good or bad the bad, I’m afraid that what I’m doing is idealizing how amazing life is going to be when the clock turns midnight on New Year’s Eve and we enter 2021. And this scares me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about a fresh start & opportunities to begin new amazing chapters. It’s exciting to see new numbers on the calendar, especially after a year like 2020. It gives us hope to know we have a ‘clean slate.’ It’s inspiring to think about the potential a new year has. And I truly believe this inspiration comes from God. What a sweet gift of grace to have these feelings of excitement when we enter a new year!
But what I’ve caught myself thinking about 2021 are mostly lies. That when the clock strikes midnight we will be done with 2020 forever. That we just needed to push through the last few days of this year and 2021 will be ‘the’ year. That this year has been a total flop. That there will never be a weirder or worse year than 2020.
And while I desperately wish these things were true, I have to come to terms with the fact that they’re simply not. Because here’s the deal: No matter how terrible 2020 was, it will always be a part of our story and there may be a reason for the bad that took place that we may not be able to see right now. I have to come to terms with the fact that while we’re still on earth we’ll continue to have problems and hurt and fear and all of the things 2020 so kindly exacerbated for us.
That the days of 2020 that seemed to drag on so painfully as an awkward, disappointing blind date does were not wasted. That 2021 could be a worse year than 2020 and that God is still good even if that’s the case (as unfathomable as this feels right now). That even if 2021 brings more depression and fear and economic, political and social unrest than 2020 that God has a perfect plan. That he’s working all things together for the good of those who love him. That God didn’t allow 2020 to slip through his fingers and he certainly didn’t make any mistakes. He didn’t miss our heartache. He didn’t miss a single tear. And most importantly what I must come to terms with is that what I’m truly longing for is heaven. A place of certainty and perfection; a place without any crying or pain. And that a new year, although a rejuvenating, fresh start, cannot truly and completely satisfy my aching, longing heart. Only Jesus can do that.
So sweet friend, if like me you are hoping 2021 is a year filled with more social interaction, small businesses flourishing & less Facebook arguments those are good things. Let’s work to see those things happen. But if like me, you catch yourself expecting a new year on the calendar to bring ‘the year’, let’s remember that our hope is not found in a calendar year or the economy or a new president, but instead in the Savior who offers perfect peace, salvation & joy. As we continue to long and yearn in different ways in 2021 than we did in 2020, let’s remember no matter the issues or frustrations or shock of the year, what we’re truly longing for is home.