For when you’ve had it

Today I’d had it with my kids. It’s been a while since I’ve had it with my kids- my sweet, precious three and five year old. I knew this day would come. I knew when I was separated from them for weeks at a time during my transplant and it felt like I could hardly breathe without them by my side that the day would come in which I wouldn’t miss them. My friends warned me the day would come. My mom encouraged me to enjoy the break from them because I’d be back at the grind soon enough. And the day has come. Don’t get me wrong, I still can’t live without my kids, but I can’t believe just a few months ago I was begging the Lord to allow me to be home with them. I would’ve done anything to be in the daily grind of sippy cups, endless dishes and whining. But today I was wishing I could be on an island all by myself. Such is the paradox that is motherhood.

What were the troubles of the day you ask? Well, for starters they woke up way too early (5 am anyone?) and while I was still sleeping broke out the marshmallows and chocolate. They also stole my phone (that was on my bed stand, right next to my head mind you) and called my emergency contact (my mother) repeatedly, giving her a heart attack first thing in the morning thinking I was in need of emergency medical assistance (she’s still a bit fragile after all of the trauma we’ve endured as a family). They used every single inch of wrapping paper I had left (& needed for last minute Christmas presents) to wrap presents for themselves to open this morning- things like their hair brushes and stuffed animals. And worst of all they refused to nap which prevented me from napping. This was the worst offense of all. It was them vs. me and they definitely won that battle.

We try to let our kids be kids as much as possible, sharing with them what’s going on with my health in an honest age-appropriate way, but also allowing grace for them when they do the foolish things kids do. But resting is critical to my healing right now so when I got up for the fifth time to lay them back down for a nap and they utterly refused, I pulled the cancer card on my kids for the first time ever. But, as soon as the words came out of my mouth God spoke straight to my heart.

Now, before I share with you what he spoke to me, I want you to put yourself in my shoes. Not for sympathy but for solidarity. Because I know that I’m not alone in pulling a card on my kids. If it wasn’t cancer I’d probably choose another card such as, “If you don’t let mommy work we won’t have money to pay for groceries… is that what you want?” Your card may be, “If you don’t obey, you’re going to make me keep yelling” or something along those lines.

We’ve all got the potential to believe our children should understand if they do a + b then c will happen and that this ‘truth’ should change them. And while I truly believe our babies need to be held accountable at some level, I’m learning that a + b does not always equal c in parenting. We wish with all of our might that if we teach our children to behave a certain way + establish certain behaviors (a + b) then we’ll receive our desired outcome (c). We may fall for the fallacy that if we guilt them enough + pull a card of our choice (a + b) then they’ll change their behavior (c). But this simply isn’t true. Why do I cling to these faulty equations so often while I’m being challenged by my tiny offspring?

Now are you ready to hear the words that came out of my mouth today? Be gentle with me *winces*. Today I looked my oldest in the eyes and said “If you don’t sleep mommy can’t sleep and if I can’t sleep I could get sick again. Do you want mommy to get sick again?” But as soon as those words came out of my mouth I heard the Lord say “They are sinners. Their hearts need to be shaped and molded and transformed towards me and by me. No matter how badly they want you to stay healthy, you are not enough to keep them from sinning. The only One who truly changes hearts, long term forever & permanently is me.” 

Mic drop from the Lord himself. I was immediately ashamed, but as God does, I was simultaneously quickly encouraged as I was reminded that it’s not all up to me to help them “get it.'“ We play a part in shaping our children’s minds and sending them on in the way they should go but, ultimately we are not in control. Threats and rewards and external motivation will not truly transform our babies hearts. Although they may change their behavior which will help them make connections about positive and negative consequences, what we ultimately want for our children (speaking collectively, mommas) is not for our children’s behavior to be temporarily changed by our threats or even our grace (which yes, I do show from time to time), but to be ultimately transformed by our almighty God for Him and by Him.

Needless to say I changed my narrative after God hit me with that beautifully bitter word. I shared with my girls what God spoke to me and I repented aloud to them. We prayed together and I settled them back in bed. Did they nap? Nope. Did I? I wish. But did I get the perspective shift I needed? You better believe it.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart (& I’ve been very faint hearted lately). Even as I type this nearly 12 hours later, I’m still not fully recovered from the frustration and anger and confusion that today was. But I’m encouraged knowing that there are a few things I can be certain of… that each struggle I experience in motherhood (and beyond) is for my good. For his glory. That he is faithful. That he hears my desperate prayers when I am completely depleted and he is working everything out for my good. That he doesn’t always make himself so abundantly clear, but sometimes he does and it’s so sweet. And that I have to continue to believe no matter how chaotic my world feels, God is not confused or rattled. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is in complete control. It is his joy to transform little (and big) sinners’ hearts from evil to good. He is with us and looking upon us with kindness and grace and offers tender correction as we fumble through life. And we can trust him in our desperation because he is a good good father.