The Haircut
It’s my philosophy that in order for a cancer patient to thrive, they need people to champion and spoil them. I have a few of these people in my life (you know who you are) who have completely spoiled me and reminded me that this season won’t last forever. With their kindness they remind me there is a beautiful, joyful life ahead, despite all of the nausea and chemo that fill my days right now.
A couple of months ago I started a new chemotherapy regimen. I did three rounds of this chemo and never lost my hair (fun fact: some chemo drugs cause hair loss and some don’t). As a result of my hair staying intact, I decided to get a haircut. Now, haircuts are extremely celebratory for me as of late; they become a bigger deal once you’ve lost your hair and aren’t able to style your locks but with a chemo cap for months.
A sweet friend insisted on paying for this haircut and it truly touched my heart. But, the thing was, I felt so guilty accepting this gift. I knew I would need more chemo during the stem cell transplant process I was about to begin and it was uncertain as to whether or not my hair would fall out. I didn’t want anyone to spend money on my hair, just for it to fall out a couple of months later. But, Jenny insisted, I got my hair cut and it turned out to be my favorite haircut ever. It was the makeover I didn’t even realize I needed. I felt like a new woman!
A few weeks later, I started the stem cell transplant process and three weeks into the process my hair fell out. I was embarrassed to tell my sweet friend that my hair had fallen out just six weeks after we paid for my new do. I pondered the question about whether or not the haircut was a waste and after much discussion with myself, I concluded it wasn’t.
You see, Jenny‘s kindness and generosity was a tangible reminder to me of God’s feelings towards us before we even know him. Her insistent attitude on me getting a haircut, regardless of what the future may hold reminded me that God is kind and loving and generous even before we know him, because he sees us all as invaluable. Jenny didn’t believe my haircut was a waste of time because she knew how loved and valuable it would make me feel. She didn’t tell me to tough it out until my hair grew back in six months because she wanted me to know how loved I am. She didn’t hold out on showing me kindness until I had a plan for when my hair would grow back, how I would style it, or any details about the future. And friend, this is exactly how God operates.
He doesn’t believe that generosity is wasted on those who don’t believe in him. He doesn’t hold out showing kindness until we get our act together. Whether or not we’re aware of what’s to come in the future, He still loves us beyond measure. He doesn’t believe that those who don’t believe in him as Lord and Savior are a waste of space or time or love or any other resource he generously offers. He believes that because we are his creation, we are inherently valuable and we are worth all of his resources, all of his kindness, all of his generosity.
I didn’t know how much I would love the haircut Jenny paid for me to have. I didn’t even know if I needed it or not. I’m still working through feelings of guilt for letting Jenny spend money on something that felt wasteful in my frugal, human eyes. But I’m encouraged as I’m reminded that these are the same feelings I wrestled through when I came to know Jesus. I didn’t know how much I could fall in love with someone I was so unsure about. I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and inadequacy about the gift of eternal life and love that has been given to me, but those feelings are simply… feelings, not the reality. I feel completely undeserving of the spiritual “haircut” God gave me years ago when I fell in love with him. And the reality is that I am completely inadequate. I don’t deserve it. And to be honest, I could’ve rejected his gift. But GOD. He didn’t see it as waste. He graciously insisted I accept. And he’s still insisting I accept his generosity every day.
When Jenny offered to pay for my haircut, she was following the nudging of the Holy Spirit to show kindness to me. And as a result I was reminded of one of the kindest realities of all. He is willing to give all of the “money” in the world for our “haircuts.” The haircut most of us don’t even realize we need or want until we receive it. So sweet friend, let your friends love you well. Let them be a reminder of God’s sweetness to you. Let your soul find true rest in Him. Let your heart discover true joy that’s only found in Him. And next time someone offers you a lavish gift that feels completely undeserved, accept it. You never know what it may bring you.
Here’s the latest cut!